Laura and Katherine went to visit Nana and Grandad in High River, Alberta last week. This got me thinking, Katherine has covered a lot of miles since joining us nearly two years ago...
For those of us keeping score, that's pretty much the circumference of the earth, which most sources put at either 40,075.16 kms around the equator or 40,008 kms around the poles.
We went downtown on Sunday to check out some of the Tulip Festival stuff and enjoy the great weather.
She went down the entire side of this planter smelling each tulip along the way...
It's official, in mid-June, we go from here
to here.
It's only a couple of miles or so west of where we are now, but a single with lots of room for Katherine to run around and for visitors.
I know it has been about a month now since my last post, but it has been quite a month. Let's start off with something lighthearted. I got this in an e-mail at work the other day from another dad with a similarly-aged daughter and think I will be keeping it handy...
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES _____________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________
ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _______________________________________
If less than your age, explain:_________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced eyebrow, or anything pierced below your belt? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY....RUNNING IS STRONGLY SUGGESTED.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend and how often__________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_______________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_________________________
Mother's Signature
_______________________________
Father's Signature
_______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying:
DAD'S RULES FOR DATING
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips! Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts to act up, the voices in my head may tell me to start cleaning the guns while I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you p ull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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