Application to Date My Daughter

I know it has been about a month now since my last post, but it has been quite a month. Let's start off with something lighthearted. I got this in an e-mail at work the other day from another dad with a similarly-aged daughter and think I will be keeping it handy...

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES _____________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________
ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _______________________________________
If less than your age, explain:_________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced eyebrow, or anything pierced below your belt? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY....RUNNING IS STRONGLY SUGGESTED.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend and how often__________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_______________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_________________________
Mother's Signature

_______________________________
Father's Signature

_______________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying:

DAD'S RULES FOR DATING

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips! Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts to act up, the voices in my head may tell me to start cleaning the guns while I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you p ull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My apologies if you find this in bad taste, but is this not the exact opposite of what's actually happening between these two teams right now?



...anyway...Game 4 is here in Ottawa tomorrow.

Hawaii is awesome.

Here in Ottawa, one gets really tired of winter really quick, unless you fall into one of the following categories:

• you're under 16 years of age (especially if you don't have a car),
• you ski or snowboard, or
• you sell winter tires for a living.

So, building on our experiences gained while based on the west coast, it was finally time to schedule a tropical holiday for when it's supposed to be super-mega-ultra-cold-and-crappy here in Ottawa, which also happens to be when most people are routinely heard exclaiming something along the lines of "@#$%& winter; I'm so tired of this!"

After several months of planning and airfare we booked in back in September, we were once again off to HAWAII. This was the third trip for Laura and I (last time was early 2001) and the first with Katherine.

We flew through Vancouver, where Katherine was left to be spoiled-beyond-belief with TWO sets of grandparents in Langley. The next morning Ian, Laura, and her brother Colin were off to Honolulu/Waikiki on Oahu! Baba and Grandma Liz would join us in Maui in 5 days, where we would spend the next 8 nights in condos on the beach!

Woohoo! Plane ride! I can't count how many times we heard Katherine say "Plane!"...here we're still on the tarmac in Ottawa.

..kinda makes the 10+ hours of flights from Ottawa worthwhile, eh? This is Waikiki Beach, right across the street from our hotel.

This is looking back at Waikiki at night from the end of the small pier, again right across the street from our hotel.

The three of us went to hike the Diamond Head crater the first full day we were there.

This is a view into the crater from one of the lookouts as you climb up the inside of the crater.

Needless to say, the views from the top make it all worthwhile...

Here we are.

Here's the view of Diamond Head from the pier across from our hotel in Waikiki.

We went to the Polynesian Cultural Center on the north side of the island for an afternoon, took in some of the presentations, and stayed for the big luau dinner. Here are the the gents bringing in the imu pig. An imu is an oven that is best described as a hole in ground with banana leaves (if I recall correctly) lining it and covering it. Heated rocks are placed inside, which brings the moisture out of the leaves, steaming the pig inside. Good stuff, let me tell you.

You can't NOT get the fruity drink in a carved-out pineapple.

Yummy....

The memorial over the USS Arizona at Pearl Harbour. The flag is attached to the mast of the sunken ship sitting on the ocean floor and fuel still leaks from the tanks, the so-called "black tears" of those entombed inside.

A couple of shots of the sunset one night on the north shore, renowned for its big waves, on the appropriately-named Sunset Beach.

Colin and Laura in front of the statue of Duke Paoa Kahanamoku, the Olympic medallist swimmer and commonly dubbed the "Father of International Surfing".

Hanauma Bay, where went for pretty much the best snorkeling we have ever encountered. Just beyond the small reef you see in the middle of the picture, the water drops off to 40+ feet and more in depth...we saw several turtles, tons of different tropical fish, an eel or two, among other things.

This is the view we had eating breakfast at the open-air restaurant on the second floor of our hotel, Lulu's.

Our last full day on Oahu was mostly spent on a guided kayak tour in the waters you see in the distance in this shot, Kailua. This shot is looking back into the town from a lookout along the highway back to Waikiki.

This is the courtyard of the Honolulu International Airport (HNL)...WAY better than most places you have available to you to endure a layover!

This is the view we had to endure for a week or so, from the lanai (patio) of our condo in Kihei, Maui...ya, that's the beach right there.

We got up at 3am one morning to check out the sunrise about two-thirds of the way up the Haleakala Volcano....Laura's Dad, Ron, on the right.

Standard cheesy tourist pose #1. These two crazy kids are where it's at, baby.

Ya, we're all crazy like that. Way to bring it, Ron!

We went to one Iao Valley State Park rain forest to check out the nice easy walk they had to offer and get out of the sun a little one afternoon. Such an easy walk, makes a little girl fall asleep, I guess.

Saving the best for last, here's our not-so-little-anymore girl in her special grass skirt and coconut bra outfit. I'm not sure how I feel about my little girl wearing a bra already, but you can't NOT get this picture.

Here's the view from the roof of the condo building down to the beach that was in front of our condo.

...when do we get to go back...?

Snow is lame.

Ya so after the 51cm of snow last weekend we're now 33.4cm or so away from the all-time record for snowfall in a winter. Let's give'er!

The view out our front door on Sunday morning...


...and our back patio...


...our SUV is under here...


...front view of our place...


...seriously, this is dumb.


I hereby hope that everyone in Vancouver has hay fever from mowing their lawns this week!

Talking to Mommy

Here's a quick clip of Katherine talking to Mommy on the phone. Mommy is in Edmonton for work for 10 days or so.



We miss you Laura (Mommy!)!

Stuff in January

Ya, OK, so I'm becoming somewhat less creative with the titles.

Life update: We're all doing well now that Laura and I are done being sick for the first 2-3 weeks of the month. Katherine's immune system has so far proven bulletproof.

Work is crazy-busy so it makes it that much more fun to hang out with Katherine on the evenings and weekends.

Katherine is using new words every day, which is helping her communicate and mitigate the frustration (that I assume every kid goes through, and me too on some days) of not being able to get your ideas (i.e.: demands) across.

Anyway, here's a video I have entitled "Running and Jumping"...I know...again with the creativeness.


I ran out of patience to edit this one...after all, there are video games to be played. Here's some "Singing and dancing and gerenal silliness before bedtime"...


Bye!